Big Momma's House

So I haven’t updated my blog in what seems like years. I wrote a piece last week, and then figured I shouldn’t post it on a public internet site for the world to see (maybe I’ll put it on Facebook instead).


This past week I have been entertaining my Mom, who decided she couldn’t stand not seeing her baby boy until Christmas. The first highlight of the trip was our climb of the volcano which is responsible for the formation of the island. The hike was a classic example of rainforest climbing, and I couldn’t help but pretend that I was Bear Grylls from Man vs. Wild (telling the other hikers the amount of shit that I could make or eat from the trees and vegetation surrounding us). During much of the hike, I was situated at the front of the line, and as such had the best opportunity to spot any wildlife. And that I did.

The forest is apparently covered in monkeys, but much of the time they are able to completely conceal themselves. Just like Bear Grylls, I was able to spot the furry mischief makers throughout the trees, and managed to find 3 of them. However, unlike Bear Grylls, upon seeing them I could in no way control my excitement and let out a, “HOLY FUCK THERE’S A MONKEY” every time. This scared away the monkeys, and conveniently upheld my reputation as the only one talented enough to spot them. I guess I may take some of the blame for preventing the others from seeing the little creatures, but on the other hand, maybe the monkeys just need to man up and not get so offended by a little swearing. We manage to make the summit and safely return the bottom without any major incident.

The second highlight of the trip was our adventure on a catamaran sailboat. The boat carried us to local snorkling and swimming spots, all the while operating an open bar. Normally I would jump at the chance to fully take advantage of free alcohol, but something about partying with my mother kept me in check. Apparently this sentiment does not run in the family, and mom decided to put her son to shame.

Everything was going well until the boat began sailing for town, and the day of drinking began catching up to the passengers (which included a number of other families). Perhaps there was something about being on a sailboat in the Caribbean, but the parents began going wild. It’s as if they felt they were in a protective bubble (curiously located on the open seas), that allowed for traditional standards of parenting to be thrown overboard. Mothers were dancing provocatively with one another, fathers were making fun of their son’s for not drinking enough, and toddlers were left to pass-out at the front of the boat while their parents went to the back for more rum punch.

It was at this point I decided to check on my mom. As I stumbled to the back of the ship, to my horror, I saw her dancing to the soca rhythms with the captain of the ship. I put my hands on my hips and starred them both down. Surprisingly this did nothing. As I went to sit in close proximity to them, I saw one of the deckhands make his way towards the pair, in what I can only describe as an attempt to complete a red-headed Oreo. At this point I yelled , “MOM SIT DOWN”, and told the other intern, Lishai, to go and “rescue” her. At no point in my life have I ever wanted to fight the captain of a Caribbean sailboat more. We finally reached port, and exited the boat (all the while I gave a very stern and un-approving stare in the direction of the ship’s captain and deckhands). We finally make it back to the apartment, and I take mom to a crappy and over priced restaurant to cap off her stay.

Learning lessons

I recently incurred some interesting phone bills, probably as a result of not realizing that in this day and age it is still incredibly expensive to make long (long) distance phone calls. In my hurry to pay the bill online, I saw large amounts of imaginary money leave my account. When I finished I didn’t quite feel that I fully understood the actual cost of the calls, so I decided to make some calculations which would compare it to things that I can buy here in St. Kitts. Here we go.

Instead of spending time on the phone, I could have instead purchased:

-150 fried chicken lunches (with fries)
-300 bottles of beer at the bar
-180 pounds of ground beef
-750 litres of clean drinking water
-3 round trip tickets to the next closest island
-180 fresh pineapples
-112 tofu burgers
-45,000 grams of cheddar cheese

And last but not least, 3,800 long distance minutes on Skype

Lessons learned come hot and heavy in St. Kitts.

Kids

My neighbourhood always has tons of kids running around, and as the strange foreigner, I am often visited by every one of them. There are two main crews who come visit every night, one of girls and one of boys. The girls started coming first, and are younger than the fellas. They would often stand outside yelling until they are let in.

The crew of boys just started showing up recently and operate a little differently than the girls. The girls usually show up in two’s and three’s, however the boys roll as a pack. When I hear a knock on the door, I am often tricked into thinking there are only a few of them. However, upon opening the door, I’m usually confronted with 5-10 little smiling faces. At this point, regardless if I am working on dinner or in nothing but a towel, they barge their way in at surprising speed.

Once inside, my room becomes a zoo. Since I never know how many actually show up at any particular time, I am constantly monitoring the room. There are the ones who are going through the fridge, the couple who are playing on the computer, and the others who are rummaging through my delicates. Even when I try to force them to leave for the night, I often find a number of stowaways hidden in the closet, under the bed, or in the tub. Every time I find these little border jumpers, they always giggle with the satisfaction of having evaded my searches for so long.

I had taken the boys to play basketball at their school on Saturday. Like all 10 year old boys, what starts out as a friendly game of basketball quickly degenerates into drawing large penises on the walls of their school. I had never missed being 10 more in my life. Then, out of nowhere the smallest of the boys, LaMonte, gets his pants pulled down by another, Dave. LaMonte is left standing in the middle of the court, pants at his feet, cussing out the other kids. I yell at Dave to stop, and tell LaMonte to pull his pants up. He looks at me with a scowl on his face and says, “He pull em’ down, he can pull em’ up”. LaMonte walks away in nothing but his underwear and continues beautifying his school's walls. I have never seen someone with pants around their ankles look more badass.

Earlier that day they decide to make a music video to Money by Mavado. Gang signs are so adorable (around the 1:00 minute mark).